I am going to get real serious for this post. This is something I feel quite strongly about and something that I feel people need to talk more about.
Mental health in new mums.
There are some days I have sat there thinking about how difficult a job being a mum is. I feel there is a lot of pressure on mums and dads. When a baby is screaming in public the reactions from people around vary and show the various ways in which society looks at parents and the way in which they are raising their children. In some ways I have found this to be positive. But not always.
There are some days where I feel like bubs in this picture. Being a parent is not always sunshine and lollipops (though there are plenty of those times.) In those times where baby has been screaming non stop for an hour, my daughter is asking question after question, my partner is trying to get some housework done as I have hardly been able to move between feeds and my dog is going mental at a bird in the backyard... It is hard to see the positives. Admittedly this hasn't happened all too often. But they can be very taxing times. Especially when guilt comes into it that I haven't been doing my share of things around the house.
With my daughter, the first three months or so I found very difficult. I could hardly move away from the couch and felt so overwhelmed I could barely function. I was emotional and very hard on myself with everything. Very negative thoughts crept in and I found my mind was a very dark place many of days. OJ screamed, fed and then napped for about 20 minutes and then it would start all over again. Those months were very hard. And very tiring!
With bubs I didn't want to get into that mind space again. I was and still am determined to keep my mental health in check. I vowed before he was born I would keep a few habits going in order to keep myself sane. (Or at least surviving...) For new mums out there, you might find these three things help you too.
1. Get out of bed.
Seems pretty simple right? But I find the days I stay in bed all hours I can't get moving or motivated to do anything. By getting out of bed I also get my brain working.
2. Get dressed.
Another simple task you say? I agree sometimes sitting in PJS all day is a must. But by getting out of bed and getting dressed it is like my way of telling my mind "You are getting ready too!" Plus it makes me feel less... 'dirty' or 'messy.'
3. Get out of the house at least once.
With a newborn baby this last one can be tricky. At the moment I am not driving either. By getting out of the house, even walking around the backyard for a little while. Being inside the same 4 walls all the time can be very draining on mental health. Plus... exercise! The best brain empowering thing.
Another tip I learned from having OJ is to have your village. Your village of people for support. Have people around you to help with tasks around the house, to talk to, to offer support, maybe to even hold baby while you go to the toilet (Which I know you have been holding for hours while baby has been screaming or feeding!) Look around for friends or those who have children themselves. Joining a playgroup or parent group is really important. I know how daunting it is meeting a group of people you've never seen before and trying to strike up conversation about parenting or life. (I've been there before.) But it is so important. But also finding a group of parents that you can relate to, that support you and offer advice is important, too. Don't stick with the one group if it is toxic on your mental health.
Now, I am not saying I have perfect mental health. I am not always "happy go lucky" type of person. I have my days where I feel I can hardly go right. I have my "black dog" days. But after nearly 4 weeks of bubs being in the world, I feel I am on the right track to getting my life in some sort of order. Looking back at the two experiences (of OJ and Bubs) I feel I am in a better mental state now than with OJ because I am sticking to my three rules above plus using my village of people when I need.
My list of tips to help with your mental health
Use my three rules listed above
Find your village
When baby has been screaming, nothing is working, walk outside with them. (One they are quieter outside than inside, two you get some air!)
When struggling with things- ask for help! There's no need to struggle alone
If there is something you are finding isn't working ask or find information as to how to fix it. There are plenty of people out there who have been through this before and can offer advice
Biggest tip- take on advice. Listen to it. Think about it. Then choose to follow through with it or not. There is no "correct way" of parenting. There is no rule book. Follow your instincts and choose what is right for you and your baby. You want baby in bassinet or cot? Great! Baby won't settle and you haven't had any sleep? Co-sleep. Try again next time. Sometimes doing what works in that moment to survive is important. Especially in regards to getting sleep!
When in public, look at your baby not at everyone else. I found with OJ I was so wrapped up in peoples opinions and reactions to her behaviour (positive or negative) that I got anxious being out. Babies cry, they misbehave, they sleep... You don't need to justify it to others.
Drink water. This is my biggest hindrance. I have not been drinking enough water to sustain myself. I get tired. I get thirsty. I feel drained of energy. Especially if you are breastfeeding drink water!
Eat. As above with water, having energy at the moment is difficult. If you are like me, sleep is not as easy as before. Having food is important. Now I could tell you to have all the healthiest of snacks and meals. But you know what? Eat whatever you feel like in moderation. Thats better than saying no to the chocolate you are dying to have and feeling horrible about it. Just don't over do it.
Do things in stages. At the moment I am unable to get through anything in whole without bubs crying or needing a feed. Remember the days you could clean the whole house and even prepare dinner and shower in the one go? Well those days probably won't happen for awhile now. Things will be slower. Things may not get done today. Guess what? They will get done tomorrow.
Talk. Talk. Talk. Use your village of people and talk about the bad days. Tell them what went wrong. Tell them your concerns. Talking with others is a huge help when your brain feels like it is taking in all the negative things. By talking to others you are letting those negative thoughts out and making room for the positive. (wow that sounds really new age...but it is true.) Most of the time the other person will also offer support and comfort when you are needing it most.
Sleep when you can. Something I have heard so many times. This can sometimes be difficult during the day. But even lazing on the couch watching a chick-flick can be mentally refreshing.
Remember this is not going to last forever. At the moment this little human is demanding your attention, your support and comfort 24/7. It will get easier.
Lastly- If you are really struggling use the support and resources out there. Ask for help.
Here's a few quick links for some resources: (There are so many out there!)
https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/pregnancy-and-new-parents/maternal-mental-health-and-wellbeing
https://www.panda.org.au/info-support/checklists
http://www.copmi.net.au/parents/parenting-with-a-mental-illness/for-new-mums
https://www.thewomens.org.au/health-information/pregnancy-and-birth/mental-health-pregnancy
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