This is my journey. This is my rollercoaster ride through life. I hope when you read this you will find comfort in knowing that you're not alone in things but also find awareness to what depression and PPD looks like. It never looks the same, and has so many different levels. I have not written this for sympathy. I have not written this to spark emotions. I have written this for awareness. #breakthestigma
Growing up I did find it difficult to "fit in." In primary school I was seen as the weird kid. I did have a small bunch of friends, who I loved but many times I remember sitting in the library at lunchtimes, playing chess or reading a book. I was extremely introverted and didn't know how to be a typical kid. At home, I spent a lot of time in my own little world. I remember a lot of the time sitting in our huge tree out the front of our house (yes, we were allowed to climb trees!) drawing or reading. I wouldn't say I was depressed as a kid. I just enjoyed my own company.
Fast forward High School and it was so tough. You know that saying right? "Those are the best days of your life, enjoy them" PFFT! I felt isolated and "different" to everyone around me. I cannot even explain what it was. I remember one day crying to a friend, saying "I don't understand. What is different about me to them? Why aren't I popular? What don't I have that they do?" I am not telling you this for sympathy. I am trying to set the scene here.
To be completely open and honest, in year 8 it really took hold of me. I couldn't fit in, I kept feeling isolated from my friends, my own doing? I don't know. I remember feeling like I didn't have anyone to talk to about things. At home I felt even more alone. After years of being in my own little world, I was ready to come out of it, but everyone around me wasn't used to that. So I went into a huge rut. This was depression. I remember thinking that scissors and my wrist were the only option. Let me tell you. It didn't! A friend told the counsellor at school, who in turn called my parents as she has a duty of care to do so. I was put into counselling which I hated. But it did help. I began to find coping strategies. One of which was drawing. I found art!
I am not saying things were all bad. During the later years of High School I found my tribe. I found my group of friends who I shared like humour, like of disney and love of literacy. We weren't partiers, we weren't "cool" we were just us. I felt connected.
This was a huge factor in falling back into depression following the end of Year 12 and leaving school. I didn't get into University like I wanted to. I didn't know what I was doing with my life and I was totally lost. Having my group of friends disperse into their own lives, it took a huge toll for me.
I got into college. A huge change for me. I went to the doctors and got medication. A huge change for me. I worked hard, but also began to "live more" by going clubbing and drinking. That year was a bit of a blur for me. I worked hard on my college work when I had to, but I substituted my group of friends from school with another group of college friends. We sat together for lunches and went out most weekends to the clubs. I can tell you, giving yourself time to heal is the best way to support yourself. Turning to drink, along with medication, it isn't a good mix! There are too many memories from that year that I wish weren't there.
I remember near the end of the year I went to a guidance councellor type thing, who looked at my grades and my subjects and determined where I should go in University. I was then transferred to the Dean of Arts who looked at my grades and said "Are you sure you don't want to go into Economics?" um.... NO! That seemed way too far from what I should do. I have thought more than once what life would have looked like if I had chosen economics rather than Bachelor of Arts majoring in Philosophy. Why Philosophy? I loved the subjects. I loved the idea of questioning, and finding answers about the world around me. I feel the reason for that was my depression. I loved University. I loved the atmosphere. It was hard work! I was working two jobs and doing full time University. But I liked it.
This part of my journey is difficult to talk about. In the first year of uni I met OJ's father. Now we had known each other for awhile, but we once again met. I fell pregnant before our one year being together. Why is this part of the journey? Well it took a huge toll on my mental wellness when we broke up less than two months after finding out I was pregnant. I was working full time, I deferred uni which was the hardest decision for me as it was the one thing I absolutely loved doing. I worked hard to save up money to buy things for my daughter and I. I saved enough to buy a small car!! I went to work for long hours on my feet, came home, had dinner and then cried in bed until I fell asleep. I then started it all again the next day. It was a very hard time for me. I hated being pregnant but I knew I loved my baby no matter what.
When it came to OJ's labour....well that didn't go to plan either. I will one day write a blog post on her labour. But I ended up with a c-section after almost 12+ hours of labour. I was petrified, exhausted and overwhelmed. Then BAM. I was a mum to a beautiful, little, strong willed daughter.
The first 12 months with OJ were the hardest. There was so many dramas with her biological family. She NEVER slept. I was struggling with motherhood. I felt exhausted 24/7 and there was so many negative thoughts going on in my head that I ignored. It was all part of being a mother right? Wrong. I look back now and know the signs. I had postnatal depression.
I went back to University to finish my degree. I began tutoring for work. I began to see I loved teaching and was determined to achieve my new goal of getting into Primary School Teaching. After finishing my bachelor degree I applied to every single university I could for teaching. I ended up being accepted to two! One in Darwin and one in Armidale. Both by correspondence. I accepted the one in Armidale having liked the ease of their application.
Things began to look up from there. I began working hard for university course, I was working and enjoying time with OJ. Don't get me wrong. It was damn hard work! I had to keep myself motivated to do course work. But mentally I felt I was on the right track. When I began teaching near the end of my course I found my niche. I found where I was meant to be. So many people were surprised how confident I could be standing in front of a class full of children and teach. Introvert's can surprise people.
Fast forward a little to when I met MJL. I have written before about how we met and I have to say I am looking forward to telling my children in detail how journey. It almost sounds like a movie! But in truth he has been a rock in things. In the first 12 months of us being together I remember many times having panic attacks and he handled them like a pro! If you suffer from panic attacks, or live with someone that does, you will know how totally taxing they are. You could get some tips from MJL from how to handle them!
Now mentally I would say the past five years have been a total rollercoaster. When I was working and travelling it really took a toll on my mental health. I ended back on medication to survive through some pretty tough months. I was stressed, overwhelmed and falling totally into a rut. Working full time, long hours and travelling 3+ hours a day really doesn't work well with mental wellness.
Twelve months ago life did a huge flip and rotate for me. MJL proposed!!!! Around the same time I found out I was pregnant. This has always been on the cards for me. I wanted more kids. It was exciting and overwhelming all at the same time. I was still working and travelling, with multiple stresses already there. This time round I enjoyed being pregnant. I enjoyed having someone to share the pregnancy journey with.
I decided to take 12 months off work. Something I had not had since finishing school. I wanted and needed the break. Break with a newborn? LOL! But it has been a blessing. I feel I have found me again. I have found the things I love to do and have been able to recenter myself again.
In the past few months however I have been finding I have had some pretty low days. Why? I have no idea really. I know I am loving being a mummy of two. I know I love being at home and having this opportunity to bond with my children, and my love. But it is hard work. I have been finding different things to keep myself from spiralling. I have started a new morning routine, fitness goals, and weekly goals. All to help keep myself together. Some days I would definitely prefer just to stay in bed. But as a mum, that is not an option!
Quoting Sabrina Greer here:
You've Got this Mama!
If you are suffering from depression or postnatal depression, know you are not alone. Know that there are people out there for support. All you need to do is reach out to them.
People you can turn to:
- Family
- Friends
- Other mums
- GP or similar doctors
- Healthcare clinic nurses
- Hotlines.
There are so many options there, and don't let your depression tell you you shouldn't.
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