Sleep? What is sleep? The past few weeks I have not been getting enough sleep to keep myself running. I feel like I am running on empty and it is really impacting on me, my health and my mental sanity.
Bit of background
The first few months Bubs has been a fairly good sleeper. We have not established a set routine as such, but for a few weeks there he was sleeping 5-6 hours from 9pm-3am (approx) and then 3 hour stretches. He would have a sleep at 10am, then again at 12.30/1pm and then small sleeps until 9pm sleep time to start the cycle over.
Roughly 2 weeks ago he became extremely restless throughout the day. Not just refusing to sleep, but full blown screaming, not being able to settle until finally crashing out and sleeping for 15-20 minutes to start the cycle over. Over night has been the hardest- every 1.5-2 hours waking up and again full blown screaming not settling, nothing working.
We introduced 2 bottles of formula during the day. This seemed to settle things a little, but still night times have been hard.
Ive heard "why not try a bottle at night? Maybe he's still hungry?" um. Tried that. Did not work. He still was up 2 hours later demanding attention. (Meaning screaming top of lungs.) Now at 3am having a full blown screaming baby in your arms, when you are running on absolutely nothing is ABSOLUTELY DRAINING!
The change I have seen in myself
Over the past 2 weeks I have seen a huge change in myself. I haven't been able to go to the gym. Running on an hour sleep while walking on the treadmill? Um no thanks.
I have stopped eating properly, and hardly drinking any water. I am just so tired to even think about doing things properly.
Yesterday I drank a total of 1/2L of water
I have stopped creating things, I have put everything on the pause button. I have been cleaning, because I feel like my life is in shambles, so why not make things orderly around me?
My mental health is extremely low! I will be honest here because I want to keep things real. Life has been pretty low the past few weeks. I have had to lean on my parents to come get OJ for school because I have been so tired to get up. MJL took time of work just so I could have some support. Though I felt relief when he told me he was taking time off, I also felt a huge amount of guilt. "How can I be a mother if I can't handle the day to day without my partner taking time off work?" Silly I know. But my inner dialogue has been so negative lately.
The effects of sleep deprivation
I am usually a very patient person. Ask anyone in my life, things happen around me or to me and I usually take it in my stride and just deal with it. Yes I complain about things. Yes I will talk about it and how horrible it was. But I don't get angry, I don't lose my temper at small things. Lately however, I have been losing my patience at EVERYTHING! From a bottle dropping to the ground, to OJ talking to me. Everything has been annoying me. I blame the sleep deprivation here. No sleep does some pretty annoying things to a person.
I have been extremely forgetful lately. This is something that truly annoys me! I put down my phone for example, right beside me. Then can't remember where I put it! It drives me mental! I know it is because my brain is running on nothing, and I have little energy.
When I am tired, like really tired, I turn to food. I love my food. Especially sweets like chocolate or icecreams.
Because seriously what is better than a good block of chocolate?
When I get tired....I love them even more. Problem here? I am putting no weight. I feel horrible and it is a vicious cycle! With not going to the gym either, I feel like this could be a very harmful habit to get into.
What's causing my biggest mental health concerns
No sleep- this can't be helped much at the moment except putting bubs into a good sleep routine.
Lack of water
No exercise
Not being able to do blog work- thus creating a cycle that I don't feel it is going as well as I want it to be
Not wanting to go back to work and wanting to stay home with bubs and OJ.
What I plan to do to fix this
Ok, you are probably sitting there thinking "Ok. Quit complaining what are you going to do about it?" Well I have a plan. A sort of plan. A set of goals. Starting small. I want to start for this week only. If I can achieve the week, will see if I can achieve another week.
My goals:
- Drink 2 Litres of water a day
- Go to the gym 3 days a week (Maybe have set time/ day I go. Then I am locked into it.)
- Do blog work 1 hour 3 days a week (again having set time to do so would be handy. Especially when bubs is asleep)
- No chocolate!
- Be strict with bubs sleep schedule.
Ok there. I have my accountability. I have it out in the open to my goals. I plan to record each day if I have achieved the goals, and at the end of the week reflect on them too. I have even created a table on our communication whiteboard for each member of the family (except bubs.) with our goals. MJL has similar goals too as his mental health is in need of a revamp. We are in this together!
I want to get myself back in check. I don't want to keep living like I am and let this get to the point of concern.
I don't want to feel like me again, I want to be a better version of me.
After listening to the talks at the MamaTribe popup party yesterday (post later to come) I realised I have been denying something to myself, and to others. I don't know if people around me have been able to tell, but within myself I know. I have postpartum depression. I am acknowledging it now.
I don't want to go on medication, I don't feel I need to. I need to make some lifestyle adjustments first. I need to put in place a plan and stick to it. I need to do this for me!
Not wanting to go back to work and wanting to stay home with bubs and OJ.
Above I wrote about not wanting to go back to work. I don't want to leave bubs and OJ for long hour days of stressful work. I want to be able to be with them, but also bring in an income. I want to feel passionate about what I am doing, I want to make a difference. I want to create a life for my children where they can enjoy things in life whilst looking after the world.
I have an idea of something, but to create it on my own is going to be difficult, it is going to require some true persistence. I need to build a foundation first and thats the tricky part on my own. I will keep you posted on how this goes but know there is something in the works...well at least in my head anyway!
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