The other day OJ asked me a very difficult question.
"Why do people go into a school to shoot other people, mummy?"
I was gutted. How do I answer that?! I stumbled over my words for a little bit until I came up with something that sounded reasonably okay. (This is kind of my parenting style. Stumble until it seems reasonable!)
My answer? "Because sometimes peoples brains tell them the wrong thing to do. Their brains tell them to hurt other people." She thought for a bit and then asked "does mine?" I felt like I was making a train wreck of things. I asked her if her brain told her to hurt people. She said no. I asked did her brain tell her to be kind to others. She said yes. That seemed to satisfy her inquiry. But my brain was on super drive.
"Am I the only one that gets these types of questions? How should I have answered it? Was there a better response?"
I asked my Insta mamas and friends for some help. Some of the responses were:
So I was on the right track. Other mamas would have answered it with the similar notion of "sickness/ brains/ unhappiness." I began to feel a lot better about the situation. But it got me thinking about how we talk to children about these "difficult things" in life, and how this shapes their perception and resilience on those matters.
Below I will talk about a few difficult things I have had to talk about with OJ and my tips on how to discuss the matters.
Death
My daughter has had to deal with a few deaths in our family growing up. My grandfather past away several years ago, my grandmother passed away last year, and my uncle passed away when she was very little. We have had couple of pets pass away in her very short life, too.
The topic of death is a difficult one. My niece's questions about death were very different to my daughters. Many questions centred around where we go after we die, and why we die.
My tips:
Let the child guide the conversation
Answer simply and appropriate to their age
Don't elaborate too much on things
Explain what is going to happen during a funeral
Focus on the positive things they remember about the person
Remind them it's okay to feel sad about it
Relationships
During my daughters short life she has been observer to several relationships that have broken up, started and some that are very rocky. I have been asked several questions on relationships and how they work. (Even to the whole can two girls get married? My answer- of course)
The one thing I haven't been able to distinguish for her is that marriage and a baby aren't the same thing. In her 8 year old mind- Getting married means you are having a baby. I don't know how to break that one to her without going into the whole birds-and-the-bees talk... Not ready for that one!
My Tips:
Keep it to their age level
Be honest. If the couple have broken up because of someone being hurt- tell them that
Explain the situation simply. (example: Her father and I broke up before she was born. I explained to her it was because we fought all the time and mummy was very sad all the time. It was simple but she could understand.)
Give examples of positive things in relationships.
Allow for questions and discussion further.
Is there a god?
This one happened a few years ago when we went to church for my grandfathers funeral. My family is catholic. I was raised in a catholic household, going to church and going to a catholic school. I do not follow the faith anymore.
When my daughter asked me this question I sat there. I didn't want to put my beliefs on to her. I want her to make up her own mind about things such as religion. My answer was to question. "What do you think?"
My tips:
If you have certain beliefs don't be firm that that is the only one
Allow for the child to make up their own mind
Explain that there are many beliefs out there
Explain how to deal with situations that arise with other religions- and respecting of them being different
Mental Health
The past several years I have struggled a lot with depression and periods of anxiety. It was something I have always tried to hide from OJ. In the earlier years I never wanted her to see me cry. I didn't want her to have to deal with it. Even now I try and hide it from her if I can.
Discussing emotions and mental issues is a very difficult one for me. I must admit- I try not to discuss it at all. She has asked a few questions about it, and dealing with emotions is something we have worked a lot on in the past few years.
My tips:
Visualise it. Inside out was a perfect way to visualise emotions for OJ. I could characterise the emotions associated with the issue. "I'm like sadness sometimes. I can't change that for awhile. Other days I am like joy." It really helped
Discuss simply
Emphasise that it isn't something to feel ashamed of
Explain ways that people cope with it
We have one mental health day a term to recharge and this helps with discussion of mental wellness.
I am not saying I am professional in any way, or I am an expert on the matter. But these are the things I have found that have helped when OJ has asked me some pretty out there questions. She is such a big thinker and questions everything!
Have you got any tips of your own? Comment below.
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